National Expressing Up Appearances   Leave a comment

National Express to Heathrow


“May I sit here?” was a perfectly reasonable request as there were no empty pairs of seats on the National Express coach. While I was moving my bag, she snidely added, “you know you’ve only paid for one seat.”

Glaring at her as she sat, I replied as icily as possible, “Thank you. That never occurred to me.” Showing uncharacteristic restraint, I stopped myself from pulling my ticket out, and shouting, “Fuck me, everyone. The fat bird’s RIGHT…I only paid for one seat.” Less is more, and I was repaid with her flustered response as I turned away to gaze out the window.

“Oh, really, it’s quite alright, I do the same thing,” <nervous, Hyacinth Bucket-like giggle>, “you know I do the same I would sit here and place my bags right there,” pointing to my seat in a kind of Oliver Hardy pantomime. “You see, we’re really all the same, hmmm?”

Turning slowly back to my new seat mate and bringing the retracted armrest back between us, I replied, “Are we? Indeed? Oh…yes…of COURSE we are.”

“I’ll just share with her across the aisle, shall I?”

“If you must.” Result!



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