Oxford United is Murdering Celebrities   1 comment

Current updates follow this repost of the original exposé:Oxford United teardrop logo

I’m not a fan of the League 2 football club Oxford United nor of their bitterest rivals Swindon Town Football Club.  Working in Oxford and living in Swindon has nothing to do with this detente, I just don’t give a shit.

That is, I didn’t until the U’s started dabbling in the Black Arts…follow me on this one, and put on your aluminium foil lined hat.

They broke a losing streak and stayed in the automatic promotion band at the top of the League 1 table on the 28th of December and Lemmy, the most indestructable creature that ever played a bass, died the same day.  Next, they humiliated FA Cup opponents Swansea (from the Premier League, no less) and Bowie popped his clogs.  Then, in the Johnstown Trophy tournament, they took down League 1 opponent Millwall (with Alan Rickman the collateral damage this time).

Fer fuck’s sake…who’s next? Dylan? Or are they sticking to Brits…Paul and/or Ringo? Jagger…or Keif?  If you don’t want to read the obits, look away now.

Updates to follow….

The day after a 2-1 loss to Bristol Rovers on 17 Jan, they killed Glenn Frey to appease their dark masters (or it could just be a coincidence and they are laying low now that I’ve sussed their plans).  This helped them secure a 1-nil win against Pompey on 23 January…who dies during the next two weeks as then next rounds of the FA Cup and the Johnstown Paint Trophy loom?

1 February:

OU was knocked out of the FA Cub 3-0 by Blackburn Rovers on Saturday, the killing spree resumed Sunday with the sacrifice of Terry Wogan in Buckinghamshire (a few miles away) ahead of tomorrow night’s Johnstown Paint Trophy match against Millwall.  Score to follow (but worth a flutter down the bookies).

8 February:

No A-list celebrity deaths over the weekend while the U’s match against Exeter was postponed due to a waterlogged pitch.  Tomorrow’s another day (and another game), though.

10 February:

It was a close match with Mansfield and the rapper/composer DMX was at Death’s door when, in the last minute of regulation play Mansfield’s Jake Thomas salvaged the draw (and our ninja lived another day).  Saturday’s match is away at Morecambe…

15 February:

…for which the US can be eternally grateful since the team exterminated scumbag Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia to secure a 4-2 victory (and there’s still Clarence Thomas, guys, lined up for your Northampton match, tomorrow).

17 February:

The U’s strayed from their remit (killing celebrities and, in the case of Scalia, reality show contestants) when they bumped off Boutros Boutros-Ghali.  They paid for this hubris with a nil-1 humiliation delivered by Northampton.

20 February:

Oxford went to the match with confidence after the most recent celebrity sacrifice, but Accrington Stanley said, “we’ll see your Harper Lee and raise you an Umberto Eco;”  the resulting 2-1 loss speaks volumes about the relative power of Eco’s prose to that of the late, dementia-tormented children’s author.  League 2 is starting to get ugly as others start to practice Santeria.

28 February:

Feck, arse, girls, drink…now they’ve only gone and killed Frank Kelly to secure a 2-1 victory over AFC Wimbledon.  Shameless.

2 March:

Wow…killing George Kennedy really brought home the bacon for the U’s 4-0 win over York, Tuesday.

6 March:

They only pulled out a 2-2 draw against co-2nd place Plymouth but the killing this time around wasn’t one the Dark Forces would appreciate.  Nay, the demons probably would have preferred she continue to do evil on Earth.




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  1. Pingback: Jan (2016) Movies Part 2 | The Endless British Pub Crawl continues...

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