D90B: Intro   Leave a comment

I’ve started the D90B© exercise programme (90 days exercising with Drunken Bunny). It’s just like P90X (Power 90 sign the disclaimer at the X) except D90B© is done drunk.  And, you can’t expect me to take nutritional advice from some fired-up jackass that uses “BRING IT!” when he means “you really ought to put some effort into this.”  Oh, yeah…and FUCK Kenpo and Plyometrics.

How did this come about, you ask?  Out drinking the other night, I broke both of my cardinal rules regarding conversations about running, vis:

1) Never talk about running with a non-runner because it would bore the shit out of them.
2) Never talk about running with another runner because they will bore the shit out of you.

But, my companions asked about the Siracusa Marathon that I had been preparing for and I told them the organisers (I don’t think that word actually exists in Italian) had cancelled again (2 in a row!) this year, but that I was going to continue on with the training as if I had something else planned. “How’s that going?” the runner asked.

“Meh.”
“Meh?”
“No motivation except the pubs are farther and farther away,” I elaborated.
“How’s your pace and endurance?” He obviously couldn’t let it go.
“Meh.”
“Plateau-ing?” asked the non-runner. This is when I should have changed the topic to politics or religion or — at a minimum — laid down a sexist and/or racist joke.
“I guess. Nothing to do about it till I find another target.”

This is when they both launched the evangelical pitch for P90X and, to escape their fervor, I eventually agreed to check it out. I illegally downloaded the videos and watched about 10 minutes of the Chest and Back routine before fast forwarding through the rest (I’d seen and heard more than enough). I did get the couple to supply me with a workout schedule the next day, though, and they threw in a bunch of nutritional info that, for the most part, they treated as suggestion when they did their 3 month cycle (even acolytes aren’t going to risk the creatine induced kidney stones likely from the proprietary supplements hawked in this literature).

To be fair, I like the high protein diet prescribed for the initial few weeks but I’m not likely to control (or even monitor) portion size. Here are the sorts of things I think will appear on the D90B© diet:

Kebab: 1 protein portion, 1 carb portion (pita and a pickled pepper), 1 fibre portion (cabbage, tomatoes), 1 condiment (enough chilli sauce to drown a rhino)

Pint of ale or cider: 1 alcohol portion, 1 carb portion

Pickled egg or pickled onion: 1 flatulence portion

The P90X cult also wants you to post a before and after photo. On the left, I sit writing this entry just before the start of day 1. On the right is a computer generated prediction of the results I should expect (there appears to be a lot of pectoral work in this programme):

Finally, on non-traditional gym days I already have about 40 miles per week of roadwork scheduled and there’s no way in Hell I’m going to shadow-kick-box or hop around like a fucking moron. It’s not that I’m clinging to my dignity (THAT ship cleared the harbour AGES ago); rather, I just don’t wanna and ain’t gonna. Maybe I’ll hop some fences or climb a tree or a wall on a run on those days, or substitute the Yoga day for these humiliations.

Anyway, here’s to it until it gets old or until 90 days have passed.  Now, to warm up the muscles before Workout 1 (a shitload of push ups, pull ups, and crunches of seemingly endless variety), I’ll take some orally administered liniment (1 grain neutral spirit portion):

 

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Posted March 30, 2017 by Drunken Bunny in sport

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