Archive for the ‘Christadelphians Church sign’ Tag

Get Thee Behind Me, Christadelphian Signage   Leave a comment

In the turmoil around moving house, I’ve neglected my heretical duties these past couple months.  I’ll miss the weekly Christadelphian sermon announcements (the link, just there, goes to a collection of these); this post catches up on our final several weeks’ worth:

5 June 2016

2016-06-05 C-delphians sermon
1. How’s that? Does He pretend He’s not home when they ring His heavenly doorbell?
2. Besides, I thought Prince was God’s Witness.
3. {This one is an old joke and I don’t know who deserves credit for it but works here with a bit of word association to make the Jew/Witness connection}:  “My granddad died in the holocaust. Yep, he fell out of a Watchtower at Auschwitz.”

19 June 2016

2016-06-19

 

In this 400th anniversary year of Shakespeare, this seemed far too obvious a choice but the soliloquy has some good bits downstream (you know…”shuffle off this mortal coil,” “what dreams may come,” etc).  I would have opted for something you could really put some preaching into, myself, like

“It is an heretic that makes the fire,
Not she which burns in’t.”
–Paulina, Scene III of The Winter’s Tale

But, it isn’t up to me to write the sermon; I am but a humble critic…the play’s the thing.  Still, I can help thinking they’ve missed a Shakespeare opportunity with MacBeth (although the Guilt lecture may have incorporated this one):

Out out damn spot

 

26 June 2016

2016-06-26 russia in mid east

Or, why is the US or, for that matter, the UK and France?  Indeed…why is Israel in the Middle East?  Oh, yeah, that’s right…Zionism and the arbitrary demarcations imposed on the region by these powers after the World Wars.  For greater detail, read about partition of the Ottoman Empire and, probably more relevant to the Christadelphians, the British Mandate for Palestine.

3 July 2016

2016-07-03 Mosaic Law

This one was almost too easy. Mosaic law is full of ludicrous and anachronistic rules about food and lending practices and women’s groups will gladly (and correctly) point out the misogynistic ones. To be fair, there are also some very practical things, rare though they are, that have found their way into modern Codes of Regulations. But, I’m here to mock so you have to find those on your own.

You mustn’t commit sodomy with one’s father (Lev. 18:7) nor one’s paternal uncle (Lev. 18:14). You can almost hear the schoolkids as Lev. 18:14 was read out: “so then, Rabbi, it’s okay to commit sodomy with mom’s brother?” “Okay, you little shits, I’m writing this one down as Lev. 18:22…ANY male, is that clear enough?”

Pantomime and Shakespeare (if those aren’t the same thing) become difficult to perform because crossdressing of any sort is banned (Deut. 22:5).

 

Mosaic Law Traffic Sign

Mosaic Law Traffic Sign

 

There are some words of wisdom for Donald Trump, too: The King shall not take an excessive number of wives and he shall not accumulate an excessive quantity of gold and silver (Deut. 17:17).

There is one, grand Holocaust-related irony here represented by the Mosaic law to exterminate the seven Canaanite nations (Deut. 20:17).  Tsk.

 

 

Then, there was Amalek who went to war against Israel (as did many other tribes) during the Exodus. Don’t know off the top of your head who Amalek was? Well, you are instructed to “always remember what Amalek did (Deut. 25:17) and destroy the seed of Amalek (Deut. 25:19)” and this is in no way contradictory to the laws not to take revenge nor bear a grudge (Lev. 19:18).

10 July 2016

2016-07-10 parables Christadelphian sign

“It is easier for a rich man to enter a camel than it is to pass a needle.” –excerpted from the Jeremy Hardy translation of the Bible.

To be serious, Jesus’ use of parables is INCREDIBLY passive aggressive. Take this passage from Mark 4:11-12 (New International Version, a real one this time):

“The secret of the kingdom of God has been given to you. But to those on the outside everything is said in parables so that they may be ever seeing but never perceiving, and ever hearing but never understanding; otherwise they might turn and be forgiven!”

Or: “Ha, ha, ha!  You misunderstood my puzzle so you can burn in Hell for all Eternity!”

17 July 2016

2016-07-17 love thy nieghbours Christadelphian sign

 

Love thy nieghbour?  A small church like this probably thinks that the little things matter (like not being petty about proofreading).  The Official Church is at once more explicit and coy.  Or, maybe this ISN’T a euphemism:

 

clean my organ

 

24 July 2016

2016-07-24 bible true or false

 

I won’t wade into an argument with zealots whether the Bible is ‘True’ of ‘False.’ What I will point out is that it is funny; no, more than that: it’s a fucking laugh riot. You know, the plagues of frogs and locusts and Benny Hill style nudity and bear attacks; the book of Job can be a laugh riot read the right way, and the whole Abraham and Isaac debacle is hilarious.  And, there are loads of other bits just tucked away awaiting your merriment.  For instance, these verses from 1 Samuel 21 could be out of a Mel Brooks comedy:

14 Achish said to his servants, “Look at the man! He is insane! Why bring him to me?
15 Am I so short of madmen that you have to bring this fellow here to carry on like this in front of me? Must this man come into my house?”

31 July 2016

2016-07-31 Christadelphians just the facts ma'am

 

Hoping for something goofier for the last one ever, all I could think of was Dragnet:

Joe Friday

Freedom or Guilt   1 comment

Braveheart

 

I mock the Christadelphians’ childish beliefs (as I do those of all religions), but they have always been friends of The Tribe — perhaps too supportive of the abuses of Zionism, to be sure, but their work during the time of the Kinder Transport was more than exemplary. But, with the spectre of antisemitism rearing its head on this island, you could easily be forgiven if the first thing you think about is the cliché of guilt as a specifically Jewish trait.

My mockery, this week, also hopes to point out the dangers of the alluded to Christian belief: guilt, I put to you, is a social good in that it teaches those capable of empathy (I’m looking at you, nominee Trump) not to repeat their occasional bad actions.  It’s why I prefaced this indictment with a conciliatory note about the good that people of faith are capable of perpetrating, because I would remiss in not doing so (a Sin of Omission to compound this Sin of Commission).  A sociopath wouldn’t care and a Christian would just ask forgiveness from their God (but not necessarily from those real beings whom they have actually wronged).

 

Freedom from Guilt

Many Are Called But Few Are Chosen   Leave a comment

2016-03-29 Christadelphian Sign ALT

The topic at the Christadelphian Meeting Hall for 10 April 16 (mock-up, above), shows up on their web site as Jesus said, “I come not for the righteous but call sinners to repentance” but has been posted on the church broadside as the 1 May baptism speech.  But, I’ve been watching a lot of politics, lately, and following the politician’s example I won’t let the question asked prevent me from answering the question I to which I wish to respond.

 

Untitled-1

 

I don’t know about the righteous but when Jesus calls SINNERS (746-6377) in Dillard, Georgia he rings Earl Zoellner’s phone. In Los Angeles, he gets the Snack Mart; and, in Zion, Illinois it is the practice of Dental PC Partners. I didn’t do a comprehensive search on this but I found some that are kind of interesting.

For instance, the Rev Jimmie M Clark, 3790 Parks Rd, Lexington, NC 27292 sells ‘Clergy Vestments’ in the most ironic find. You can order up your robes at (336) 746-6377. That’s 336-SINNERS.

Doris Herzlinger, Ph.D. does research on Embryonic Development as Associate Professor of Physiology and Biophysics at Cornell University (using the SINNERS phone number in what the Christian right might find the most vindicating example).

My favourite has to be Precision Piano Tuning, Lowe Farm, Manitoba at (204) SINNERS. When I was about 12 and learning piano properly, my grandma (who had been one of those circus-sideshow-type tent revivalists that preceded televangelists) used to play the living shit out of the keys. Self taught and legally blind, she would find where she was on the keyboard by slapping a few chords and then tear into whatever gospel she felt like.

I was frustrated by the classical sheet music plopped in front of me by my tutor; Nanny asked, “well, what do you WANT to play, punkin?” “I don’t know, Nanny, how about showing me some of that whore house boogie woogie?” Precision Tuning could probably have helped me out and wouldn’t likely belt me across the ear for asking.

How would you like to live forever?   1 comment

2016-03-29 Christadelphian Sign

Heading into the April Fools’ weekend, the Christadelphians plan to discuss the above. “If an offer sounds too good to be true…” no, wait, that’s not it. Maybe Sgt. Dan has some thoughts:

USMC Museum

Rapturous Recycling   1 comment

Small Deposit Required

Even more a certainty when you’ve got cash tied up in it.  Everyone SAYS they want the Lord to come back, but US supermarket firm Kroger is actually DOING something about it:

SAMSUNG

SAMSUNG

Posted March 15, 2016 by Drunken Bunny in Made Me Laugh

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Wham! Bam, Thank You, Lord   Leave a comment

2016-02-22 Christadelphian sign

This George Michael inspired sermon title reminds me that I still haven’t done the planned Celebrity Run past Snappy Snaps.

Vaguely related: back in the olden days of the Interwebs (around 1993 or so) there was an animated gif of Jesus on the cross bouncing in time to Billy Idol’s “Dancing With Myself.” Hoping to find it or something similar to paste “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” into as a soundtrack, I found this instead…enjoy (it has a wham! in it, too):

Posted February 22, 2016 by Drunken Bunny in Made Me Laugh

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Paradox   Leave a comment

2016-01-24 Christadelphian sermon announcement

The Christadelphian Church sign has been a delight for me on this blog and, indeed, on its predecessor but usually just for mockery. This one provoked a bit of thought.

So, if you believe in a contradictory and capricious god that changes the rules at whim then your beliefs, by your own definition, do not matter. But, at the same time you are not just compelled but required to hold this faith.

Right, my inbox is about to be flooded with solutions to this puzzle. Here is that pair o’ ducks I promised, in the meantime:

pair_of_ducks

 

 

Posted January 22, 2016 by Drunken Bunny in Made Me Laugh

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